Classification of Beings
by Starbright1
Summary: A parody of Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them


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Disclaimer: This is a satire of Fantastic Beasts & Where To Find Them by J. K. Rowling. All the creatures mentioned henceforth are from the Harry Potter books and are Rowling's either by invention or description. 

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Guide to the Classification of Beings

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Luxine Tenebris 

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What is a being?

In 1811, Minister of Magic Grogan Stump defined a "being" as "any creation that has sufficient intelligence to understand the laws of the magical community and to bear part of the responsibility in shaping those laws." This remains the Ministry's official stance to this day, even though many of the creatures regarded as beings do not fit this criterion. On the opposite end, lycanthropes, which possess human intellect all but one night per month, are regarded as beasts.

Classifications

As the ministry does not feel it necessary to designate classifications for beings, virtually the same "scale of dangerousness" as used for beasts has been adapted for this purpose.

XXXXX - Known wizard killer / impossible to train or domesticate

XXXX - Dangerous / requires special knowledge / skilled wizard may handle

XXX - Competent wizard may cope

XX - Harmless / may be domesticated

X - Boring

An A-Z Directory of Beings

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DEMENTOR

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Classification: XXXXX

Dementors have tall humanoid shapes and are traditionally clothed in long black hooded robes. Little is known about their appearance underneath, but accounts have been given detailing grey, rotting flesh. They are intelligent creatures that understand human speech, but are not capable of reproducing it. 

Dementors will perform tasks issued to them by humans, as evidenced by their assignment to guard the wizard prison Azkaban. This, however, makes them in no way domesticated. They are truly dark and self-serving creatures that only desire to drain the hope, happiness, and even the will to live from their human victims. There has never been an actual murder committed by a dementor, for they suck out the souls of their victims leaving them hollow, but alive. No method of killing dementors has ever been discovered. They are only known to be deterred by direct sunlight and the Patronus charm. 

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GIANTS

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Classification:XXXXX

Giants are massive creatures, reaching heights of up to twenty feet. They are well known for their colossal strength and violent temperaments, a dangerous combination for they sometimes destroy entire human towns when their anger is aroused. They can interbreed with humans, producing offspring nearly twelve feet tall. Even so, Giants are nearing extinction; they were already greatly endangered before the Dark Wars, when many were exterminated by Aurors. Having been driven out of their natural habitats by wizards, they now mostly take shelter in remote mountainous regions. 

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GOBLIN

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Classification: XXXX

Goblins have the basic form of a human, but with some very noticeable differences. They rarely exceed a height of four feet, and have long faces with sharply pointed chins. They can communicate fluently with humans, and have readily incorporated themselves into the wizarding world. Their strength and long, clever fingers and toes are admirably suited work in the mines where they often hunt for gold and jewels, of which they are exceptionally fond.

Goblins are not dangerous unless angered. They are greedy and extremely clever, which leads them to spend much of their time tricking people out of their money. They will not kill without cause like humans do, but when they feel they have been swindled, especially out of gold, they have been known to war with wizards. See Bathilda Bagshot's A History of Magic for details about the goblin rebellions.

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HAG

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Classification: XXXX

Hags resemble very ugly old women. They are, in fact, evil spirits; this is why they glide rather than walk. The Ministry did not put them in the spirit division, however, because they may become solid at will. Hags are capable of human interaction, but normally shy away from people unless eating their children.

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HOUSE ELF

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Classification: XX

House elves are small green creatures that speak constantly in the third person and seem to exist for the express purpose of serving wizards. In an unusual turn of events, they look down upon goblins, which are free and self-serving, calling them "common." They posses a natural form of rather powerful magic, but rarely use it except in assisting their masters. They are some of the mildest creatures in existence, and there are no records of house elves harming any other creature. 

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HUMAN

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Classification: XXXXX

Humans have doubly earned the XXXXX rating for, in addition to the murders committed by every one of the subspecies, the human male is one of the hardest creatures to domesticate. Very few human women have been successful in training their mates to respond to such commands as "put the toilet seat down" and "use a coaster." 

MUGGLE

Muggles have been responsible for a great many wizard killings throughout history. The violence peaked in the 1600's with the so-called "witch trials." Luckily for the witches convicted the most popular method of execution was burning, which can be actually quite enjoyable if the proper flame freezing charm is used. Not so lucky were those sentenced to death by hanging, or by drowning in the local duck pond.

Muggles today generally refuse to believe in magic, and mostly focus on killing each other with a type of metal wand called a "gun."

SQUIB

Squibs come from wizarding families, but through some genetic anomaly they exhibit no signs of any magical ability. Because of this many squibs become bitter and even violent in their resentment, but they are still not as dangerous as other humans for they cannot use wands and have, for the most part, no knowledge of muggle weapons. 

WIZARD

Wizards, also commonly referred to as warlocks, are the most egocentric of all the intelligent beings, setting up laws and systems of government and expecting all other species to conform to them. Their magic is flashy and complicated, but very little of it is of practical use. They have even been known to create charms for the sole purpose of making their nose hair grow into ringlets. Nearly all wizard magic relies on special tools to work properly, so although a witch or wizard may be extremely powerful when holding a wand, they are virtually defenseless when unarmed.

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VAMPIRE

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Classification: XXXXX

Vampires are perhaps the beings best known for their violent tendencies. As vampires feed off the blood of humans, even sympathizers must agree this reputation is well deserved. If in this feeding the vampire drains all of the blood from the human's body the person will die and rise the next night as a vampire. Vampires differ from humans in that they cannot be seen in mirrors, cast shadows, or cross running water. They are immune to most weapons, mortal and magical alike, but can be destroyed by direct sunlight, beheading, or a wooden stake through the heart. Because of their conspicuous discrepancies from human behavior, records of vampirism even in Muggle communities date back to ancient Babylon. But except for small cult-like groups, whose extreme distortions of vampires are enough to bring any properly educated creature to tears, most modern-day Muggles simply refuse to acknowledge the existence of vampires.

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VEELA 

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Classification: XXXX

Veela, like most other beings, appear much like humans. They look to be extraordinarily beautiful women and have hypnotic powers, mesmerizing human males with their dance. Only when angered do Veela reveal their true horrendous visages. In their proper form they are half-bird with long, sharp beaks and scaled wings. With their illusory beauty gone, they lose their more subtle hypnotic powers and take more direct action against enemies, such as throwing fire. 


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